Barracuda Woulda (Or Why I Was Denied a Job as a Writer on Grimm)
by DeWinter79
Summary: My one chapter rambling when I stayed up too late and was giddy. This is my version of the rest of Season two after the hiatus, in parody form. Please don't take it seriously, cause, uhh, I didn't when I wrote it. Also included Rosalee, Hank, and Sergeant Wu.


**Created for humor only. I love this show!  
Enjoy!  
This is the part where you reply, "'Okay,' he said tenuously."**

**Didn't you read the script I made for the readers?**

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**Continuation Episode of Season Two  
02x13 - Barracuda Woulda  
****Submission Script for Grimm Writer Position**

**By: DeWinter79**

Please accept this script as an interest in joining your fine company/operation/Grimm creation station.  
I have worked long and hard to capture the essence, the pure spirit, the Wesen-like soul of what Grimm and its characters convey to their audience. Thank you for your consideration.

**FADE IN:**

Words from a nameless Brothers Grimm story appear on the TV screen for the audience to ponder over -

_**"Ah, if thou couldst but deliver me  
from the evil spell which is thrown over me."  
"What shall I do?" said the King's son.**_

**1 INT. MONROE'S LIVING ROOM - REALLY LATE AT NIGHT**

**CLOSE ON MONROE'S TV SHOWING RENARD BEHIND THE PODIUM:** Renard talks about the Donna Reynold's Case.

**SHOT CONTINUES TO ZOOM OUT AND UP TO NICK BURKHARDT:** After seeing the TV recording Monroe conveniently taped to show Nick, but didn't seem necessary to reveal until episode 02x12, our Grimm is ready to swing a kanabo of whoop ass once he finds Renard. Then he's gonna let all hell break loose. His nostrils are flaring, he's swelling up with vile loathsomeness, and if his eyes could turn red and make that weird music sound that the audience hears now, he'd do that, too. But since his eyes stay steel gray/blue, (Or are they blue/gray? What color are David Giuntoli's eyes?) he storms out Monroe's door without even a 'goodbye' or 'so long, thanks for all the wolfish... hospitality.'

**FADE OUT** THEN **BACK IN** TO THE WORDS "TOYOTA" on Nick Burkhardt's VEHICLE: We see Nick's Toyota peeling away from Monroe's street.

We **HEAR** Heart's "Barracuda" blaring from Nick's radio.

**MUSIC FADES IN** Mid-Song:

_"You lying so low in the weeds  
I bet you gonna ambush me  
You'd have me down on my knees  
Now wouldn't you, Barracuda?"_

**2 INT. FLASHBACK AUNT MARIE'S TRAILER - AFTERNOON DELIGHT...FUL DAY**

**CAMERA PANS TO GRIMM BOOK NICK BURKHARDT IS READING:** At this point we flash back to Nick looking through Grimm books and running across a Bezugsgruppeneffekt. (**GERMAN TRANSLATION:** Big fish, little pond - We'll need our Dialect Coach on call for this one.) Monroe comes over to do a translation, pronunciation, and explanation of the sub-text on the page. (AKA: The Monroe trifecta!)

**MONROE:**  
Uh, it's a Barracuda. Your ancestors encountered one.  
They cut off its head and had a fish fry.  
Your ancestors were strange dudes.

**NICK:**  
Thanks Monroe. Now can you tell me  
what I'm up against if I ever do encounter a...

**MONROE:  
**(Heavy accent and a few hand gestures for effect)**  
**A Bezugsgruppeneffekt?  
Oh man, we're talking  
Der Gast ist wie der Fisch, er bleibt nicht langefrisch!

**NICK:  
**(Nick's serious face as he leans against the desk)  
You wanna tell me what that means?

**MONROE:  
**Fresh fish and strangers stink in three days.  
These guys are putrid if they don't bathe for a few days, you know?  
I'm talking a, hope your nose falls off cause you're gonna die if it doesn't, kinda smell here, dude.

**NICK:  
**So they stink?

**MONROE:  
**Yeah man, like we're talking an odor that, you know,  
makes a Siegbarste smell like a bed of roses.  
Which I'd prefer if they did actually, come to think of it.  
You know, my great aunt on my father's side had  
a knack for growing the best roses by using...

**NICK:  
**(Cuts off Monroe in classic Nick fashion)  
Wow, it's getting late isn't it?

**MONROE:  
**(Brow protrudes 2x over)  
Umm... It's like two-thirty in the afternoon.

**NICK:  
**(Face changes to 'I've used you now leave' expression)  
Exactly. Thank you for your help, Monroe.

**CUE MONROE LEAVING TRAILER/FLASHBACK FADE OUT:**

"Barracuda" song plays on as Nick drives on.  
(No, this wasn't an episode that was aired, but I've checked and Grimm studios have this footage. The audience will want to re-watch the previous episodes, or better yet, buy the DVD and try to find this scene. Marketing, guys!)

Nick **HEARS** the Queen Mellifer's voice from an audio **FLASHBACK** for 01x03:

**MELLIFER:**  
Something's coming. Something... bad.  
He's coming for you...

Nick immediately associates something bad with fish, which is why he's sure Renard is a Bezugsgruppeneffekt, which Nick feels must also be why Renard has that large presence about him at work. Nick is also happy Renard bathes on a regular basis... but there was that one day. Oh yes, Nick is sure of what Renard is.

**FADE OUT AS NICK DRIVES ON:**

**COMMERCIALS **(Cause we have to.)

**3 EXT. AUNT MARIE'S TRAILER - STILL REALLY LATE AT NIGHT**

Nick pulls up to the trailer, so he can arm himself with whatever he can find to take down Renard the Barracuda. We find the trailer trashed inside.

**PANS LEFT THEN RIGHT: **Books, bottles, furniture broken to pieces. Even those fluffy pillows on the trailer daybed have been slashed through. It's tragic.

**ANTICIPATION:** The audience gasps!

**CAMERA ZOOM FROM NICK'S EYE OUT TO HIS FACE:** Nick is beyond furious. The rage within him is a conflagration of vile vengeance waiting to burst forth. (AKA: Nick makes his angry face.) Nick collects the remainder weapons that are still in... weaponry working order and rushes to the Toyota to go to Renard's condo.

**FADE OUT:**

**Umm... No wait... FADE BACK IN: **(I'm kinda getting tired of these, do you guys at Grimm really use these kinds of script cues?)

**4 EXT. RENARD'S CONDO - IT'S STILL PAST MONROE'S BEDTIME**

**CAMERA FOCUS ON FRONT ENTRANCE DOOR:** Nick kicks in Renard's door.

**PANS DOWN:** to Angry Nick pulling his weapon (specifically his gun) as he saunters in.

**CAMERA PANS ACROSS:** the beautiful condo and stops on an open safe on the far wall.

Nick runs forward and pulls out a paper which he reads aloud for the audience as the camera **ZOOMS INTO** the paper.

_This is where I have placed the other keys. _  
_Those keys. _  
_The Grimm keys._

Nick holds the paper up to the light to reveal a snowflake symbol much like the one on Akira Kimura. Upon further inspection it's merely a coffee stain. Nick sighs heavily.

**FADE OUT:**

**COMMERCIALS **(Yeah more of them - it puts the audience on edge.)

******5-8 EXT. PORTLAND MONTAGE - DARK AS A RAVEN'S WING**

Nick searches far and wide for Renard. We do a montage of popular Portland areas as Nick scours each one with a flashlight for the next four days. (He puts the flashlight away in the daytime.)

**9 EXT. THE WOODS - DARK AND DRIZZLING RAIN **(Hey, it's Portland!)

The last montage scene ends in a wooded area which ironically looks like where Nick and Adalind had their battle, but some fans will actually recognize it as where Holly lived. Or perhaps even more sleuth-like fans will know the truth; that it's actually right near where the Grimm sets are located. I'm betting on the sleuth-like fans.

(**EDIT NOTE:** I was just informed that scripts do not include the writer's personal opinions of the fans. For this I am sorry. Please disregard that last statement when you make your decision on filling this position.)

**THE CAMERA PEOPLE DO THEIR THING AND MOVE WITH THE SCENE:** (This whole pan in, zoom there is monotonous, I trust our skilled Grimm Camera Staff knows to shoot where the actors are doing things and moving their lips.)

**A DARK SHADOWY FIGURE EMERGES** We see their feet first then their pants then up and up till we realize it's **CAPTAIN RENARD** - (Ominous music plays)

**ANTICIPATION:** Audience Gasps Loudly! He's wearing a shirt and pants!

**CAPTAIN RENARD**:  
I see you've found me.

**NICK:**  
I see I have.

******CAPTAIN **RENARD:  
So... You've seen the trailer.

**NICK:**  
(Changes to Nick Super Angry Face)  
You see I have.

**CAPTAIN RENARD:**  
(Hands go into Trenchcoat pockets)  
You know what I am then.

**NICK:**  
You know... I can't pronounce it.  
But I do know what you are and I have a hook with your name on it.

**RENARD:**  
(Renard's Face Morphs to Half-Hexenbeist)  
So are you ready to do this?

**CUE NICK BURKHARDT WTF FACE ZOOM IN:  
**(Okay, just in case the Camera Men don't know. But by now they oughta know Nick's reaction to these things... every time... for every Wesen... )

**NICK:**  
(WTF Resumes - Cause that looks nothing like a Barracuda)  
It's time to cash in on you being with my girlfriend... turbulently!

(**NOTE:** This is the next new catch-phrase for season two! I expect extra compensation for this line when you draw up my hiring papers.)

The Renard and Nick fighting begins! It's a struggle on the ground, then they get up. Renard flings Nick against a nearby tree. Nick rips Renard's shirt.

**ANTICIPATION:** Audience cheers for semi-shirtless Renard!

Fighting goes back and fourth. Hand to hand combat at their finest.

**RENARD:**  
(Exasperated)  
Uh, dude, I kinda saved your woman,  
you know, with that first kiss.  
(Cause Renard knows that talking like Monroe  
will get through to Nick quicker than talking all Renard-like.)

**NICK:**  
(Out of breath)  
Oh yeah, I guess you did.  
But you kissed her more than just  
that one time and then did...  
other stuff with her, you bastard prince!

**RENARD:**  
(Shakes head)  
Yeah, cause that's the nasty side affect.  
It sucks, huh? So can we just go have  
that Fuchsbau Rosalee fix it, already?

**10 EXT. OUTSIDE SPICE SHOP - IT'S DARK AND STILL RAINING... A LOT**

EXIT Nick's Toyota - Nick, Renard, and Juliette enter Spice Shop.

**11 INT. INSIDE SPICE SHOP - ELECTRICITY BRINGS FORTH LIGHT AND IT'S NOT RAINING IN HERE**

Already on scene: Rosalee, Monroe, and Hank. (Why not?)  
By some miracle, Rosalee scours the entire Spice Shop for **THE BOOK**. (Which happens to be the last one on the shelf, by the way) We see a potion mixing on the counter. It turns yellow, then purple, then green. Rosalee is very concentrated, much like the potion.

**ROSALEE:**  
(Enunciating each vowel)  
We don't have much time.  
We must make this potion now, but  
it will take twelve hours for it to be completed.

**MONROE:**  
Oh, Dude...

**HANK:**  
(Spins to the left, then to the right)  
Okay, which one of them are doin' it right now?

A few dramatic minutes later we go to...

**COMMERCIALS**

Back to Spice Shop twelve hours later -  
Most of the cast is asleep someplace in the shop, except for Rosalee who never gets to sleep during these things.

- Mixtures get finished - PRESTO! Everything gets fixed in that wonderful, potion-y way Rosalee is known for. Rosalee is so awesome, in fact, she happens to run across another book (that was sitting beside the last one on the shelf) which has a cure for Juliette's memory. Huzzah! She also discovers a cure to bring Hap and Angelina Lasser back to life, but Monroe accidentally adds Cannabis sativa instead and that one is all ruined, causing the concoction to go up in smoke (No copyright infringement here if we keep it all lowercase) and the gang has intense hunger for the next few hours.

**PAN BACK TO:** Renard and Juliette who are cured.

**ANTICIPATION:** Nickette fans cheer, Julliard fans boo-hiss.

Juliette says many apologetic words to Nick and also is sorry for being a big ol' bitch. (We'll work with Bitsie on how to look sad, since she's been looking bitchy so much it's gonna take a bit of time to get this scene right.)

**JULIETTE:**  
(To Monroe)  
Now that this is all over, Nick can live with me again.

**MONROE:**  
(Internal Monologue - secretly relieved face)  
Great man, cause, you know, that dude uses up  
all the hot water and, you know, frankly he forgets  
to rinse out his cereal bowl, which, you know, is just  
totally unacceptable, man.

**12 EXT. NICK AND JULIETTE'S VICTORIAN HOME - DARKER THAN A STEPHEN KING NOVEL**

Nick goes home to Juliette and they make up in the way a man and a not-wife usually do.

**13 INT. PORTLAND POLICE DEPARTMENT - OH MY GOD, IT'S MORNING!**

_(Okay, I'm just going to give the gist of the dialogue. The actors know these characters and how they'd say it. All they need is a little direction. They get paid the big bucks to memorize lines. Maybe they oughta just wing it. It would save them some rehearsal time and production money. See how valuable I am?)_

Sergeant Wu comes by and has the wittiest joke he's ever said on Grimm. Even Nick laughs. It's a riot and everyone is tweeting about it the next day. (**EDIT NOTE: **Still working on humorous joke, I'll get back to you on this one.)

Renard confronts Nick and also gives his apology, but his is more Renard-like where it's an apology, but it really doesn't sound like one. Cause, come on, Renard is a little above doling out "I'm sorry's" since he's Nick's boss and he's a half-blood prince. (We all saw how bad-ass a half-blood prince can be in Harry Potter.)

Instead of sappy apologies, Renard reveals to Nick some vital info... a missing link, let's say, about the Royal Families/Verrat/La Resistance (Since Renard speaks French, he's going to enjoy saying the words 'La Resistance' a lot, even though that's not what it's really called.) Now all this info somehow makes complete sense and answers all the questions the audience has about what Renard's been up to. (Sasha Roiz has stated he has some ideas on what this info is gonna be. Now if you ask him he'll deny it, cause he's humble like that, but trust me, he's gonna blow you away with this dialogue!)

**ANTICIPATION:** The audience will ooh and ahh! (Well hopefully they do, if Sasha pulls it off like he told me he will.)

Heck, just because the audience is so excited, Renard even gives up the secret about his ring. (It's really one of those decoder rings from a cracker jack box that is synced up to receive Royal Family messages. Sadly, he doesn't understand why the Royal Families want him to drink his Ovaltine.)

**-Don't let this leak out to the public! They'll be all over it!-**

Renard is just about to tell the audience about the wedding band, but Ryan Seacrest comes out and says, "After this commercial break." (We can afford Ryan Seacrest, since we've saved money on rehearsals, remember?)

**COMMERCIALS** (Audience is practically sitting next to the TV waiting for the commercials to be over - Good time to plug sponsors like asthma pharmaceutical companies and vision specialists cause the audience will need both.)

When the commercials are over, Renard plays dumb and the secret of the wedding band is left a mystery.

**ANTICIPATION**: "Boooo..." yells the audience. Renard removes his shirt and all is well once more. Cheers commence!

Nick patiently waits for Renard to put his shirt back on and tells him he's so impressed with Renard's information that he insists that Renard join the Scooby-Gang. (We can use "Scooby" without copyright, just don't add the "Doo" or we'll be paying out the yang!) Nick conveniently doesn't mention the note he found about the Grimm keys. (It gives us Grimm writers the opportunity to continue that story line in season seven. Job security, see how wonderful I am?)

The next battle is against Adalind and Renard's baddie half-brother Eric in an epic showdown.

**ANTICIPATION:** The audience waits for the battle to begin, but then the screen goes black and we read:

**To Be Continued...**  
**We aren't sorry this time...  
You Boo'd us.**

**THE END**

Thank you again for your consideration to be hired on in the Grimm family as the newest (and brightest) writer for your staff. I look forward to hearing from you soon so I can start Monday.

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A/N: I haven't heard back from the Grimm Human Resources department yet. So, could you maybe send a few tweets or Facebook comments and rave about DeWinter79 for me? They listen to what the fans think. I want this job. (;


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